Sittinn in the car
just thinkinn to myself
I stop for a second, a realize
How unhappy I am with this unfortounet wealth..
And how the hell I am gonna pick myself up and get out of this hole a dug myself in.
I really just dont know what to do anymore. I see alot of people, they have smiles and their faces. Why can’t I be as lucky as thoe other people are?
I guess I’m just wishinn on someone else’s star…
Well, as if things weren’t bad enough right now. My grandfather passed away last week. I’m in Colorado right now and have been here for about 2 weeks. I will be taking care of my grandma for another week. Then back on to California…
I haven’t been blogging much, as you can tell.
It’s hard to deal with things, especially because I was so close to my papa.
But as I have learned in just the past days, life does go on….
-My dad and I to get along
-To actually be able to play soccer again
-To go back to school
I have come to realize someones life can change in a few seconds, or slowly, over a couple years. Mine has changed twice, over both. I always hear talk about peer pressure and I think to myself I would never be so stupid as to give into someone else’s likings/thoughts because I would want to fit in/be cool at the time. I thought I would have more insight than that. More self respect. But, thinking about the past few years, even months. I am beggining to think I don’t know myself at all. And I need to start to get grounded. I think the time I was most congruent with myself was when I was in treatment. Sometimes I say to myself, Why can’t I have stayed at Valenta inc. Forever? If not forever, why can’t I still have Candice and Dr.Mar. I miss them like crazy. Sometimes, when I’m in my therapy sessions with my new doctors, I am totally zoned out. Bc I can’t help but think how worthless my treatment is now. The main focus in my session is nothing but concrete. No process talk what so ever. I sometimes ask myself if I should maybe give Candice a call or a text, even Dr.Mar. But I stop myself, or the negative thoughts do atleast. I just want this blog to help me realize that I would like to be more congruent with myself and keep my good habits up, such as journaling, artwork, things that help me express myself. My real self.
Alot of people talk but they don’t speak
Many people hear but they don’t listen
Numerous people look but they don’t see
I appreciate good music. Alot of it is taken for granted…
Alot of people would kill to live an hour away from Hollywood, California right? NOT ME.
I would rather be a thousand miles away from it. Sitting on the porch with my grandpa waving to the neighbors as they drive by. It’s a different place in Broomfield, Co. Just simple people living side by side. I’m so congruent when I’m in Colorado. It’s almost unreal, but I think it’s to good to be true. Thats why I can’t be there. That’s why I am here. Alot of things aren’t supposed to happen they way we want them to. But we can always get a little taste of it. And thats how my life works. I visit Colorado once in a while. Sometimes it turns out worthwhile, sometimes not. But in the end, I am always thankful for the family that gets me thru the end of the trip, and picks me up when I’m down on the ground. In 2 and a half years I will be legal, and free to move wherever I please. Since I could make sense of it, I wanted to move to Colorado with the rest of my family, and since my sister moved the a year ago, there’s even more incentive to go now. But I keep asking myself…..
Does my family really want me? Will that really solve all my problems? Of course, they took my sister in, she doesn’t have an eating disorder, she’s not mentally unstable. But maybe my grandparents won’t let me stay with them so fast…
I am really scared about my future, but all I know is I want to live with my family and in Colorado.
Leave the city behind, and die in the country.
So I guess I’m officially on independent studies now, and even though I haven’t been at school for weeks anyway, I’m still kinda lethargic. Just making it officiall isn’t a great feeling. At the same time, my dad reminds me I’m getting dumbed down by not being in a class setting every chance he gets. Yea, it’s deppressing, but what am I gonna do about it?
I really have no appetite, but I can’t stop eating. I guess it’s just a subconcious kind of eating, where I don’t really care, or taste what I’m eating, it’s just going in, and it’s comming back up.
I really do hate not being in class, socializing with my friends, all that jazz. But at this time I really do feel like it’s best for me to cope with my problem on my own. It’s not as if I’m closing myself off from the world. Just setting boundries. I just hope that my piers know that I’m not shutting them out, and that I’m taking time to myself on this road to recovery that seems so endless.
On Friday, my mom suprised my dad and I to a nice seafood dinner and a concert! It was a Beatles tribute band! They were called the Fab Four, and they were spot on. With the accents, the clothes and the gestures! It was great! The atmosphere was wonderful too! gah, you just had to be there. The show was held at the California theater of performing arts in san Bernardino. What a beautiful place to have a concert. It was biult in 1928 for all kinds of acts and shows, and it still stands today! I loved the whole night. Sometimes spending some quality time with your family is just what it takes to cope with your problems. Even though the night was a little hectic, I couldn’t have asked for more. My family’s not perfect, but somehow the night turned out to be perfect.
The past few days I have been mentaly unstable. More specificly, phyco. I haven’t been to school in I don’t know how long, and I can pretty much kiss my thoughts of playing varsity soccer this year goodbye. I feel like such a failure. Last year I made varsity. But, can’t play… Because of the grades. You know, I think thats a crucial step to overcome in my recovery. My fear of failing, or just fear itself. But still, I was doing so well in my recovery, yea, I was struggling a bit, but I was having a good time.
Now, I’m misareble…
Journalism, Fashion, Medicine…
There are so many things I can achieve. But my mind changes every other day. I want to pursue a career in medicine. Or maybe become a high fashion journalist. That would be spectacular.! Travel the world, discover fabulous peices, people, and even towns to write about. There are so many things, can I only work on one thing in my life? Or another thing..
Are theese occupations even going to be open when I am ready to work. I know a career in medicine will always be needed. But what if I choose I different path?
Well future, I know one things you hold for me…
Colorado is somewhere in my future
